**** The argument sketch

**** from Monty Python Live at City Center and Monty Python's Flying Circus

**** transcribed from tape by Malcolm Dickinson 4/3/86

A man walks into an office.
Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, it's one pound for a 5-minute argument, but only 8 pounds for a course of ten!
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one, and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well I'll see who's free at the moment. Um...Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. Ah, yes, Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
Angry Man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Man: Look, I came here for an argument!! I'm not...
Angry Man: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Man: Oh! Oh I see!
Angry Man: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
Man: Oh...Sorry...
Angry Man: Not at all!
Angry Man: (under his breath) stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
(Knock)
Voice: Come in!
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man: (pause) I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Other Man: Just now.
Man: No you didn't!
Other Man: Yes I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other Man: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other Man: I'm telling you, I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other Man: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
Other Man: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not!
Other Man: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: No you DIDN'T!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: No you DIDN'T!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: No you DIDN'T!
Other Man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (Pause...)
Other Man: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! (Pause...)
Man: It's just contradiction!
Other Man: No it isn't!
Man: It IS!
Other Man: It is NOT!
Man: Look, you just contradicted me!
Other Man: No I didn't!
Man: You DID!
Other Man: No no no!
Man: You did just then!
Other Man: Nonsense!
Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (Pause...)
Other Man: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! (Pause...)
Man: I came here for a good argument!
Other Man: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Other Man: Well! It CAN be!
Man: No it can't!
Man: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.
Other Man: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Other Man: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man: Yes but that's not just saying "no it isn't".
Other Man: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Other Man: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Other Man: Yes it is!
Man: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Other Man: It is NOT!
Man: It is!
Other Man: Not at all!
Man: It is! The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.
Other Man: Thank you, that's it.
Man: (stunned) What?
Other Man: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested!
Other Man: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!!
Other Man: I'm afraid it was.
Man: (leading on) No it wasn't..... (Pause...)
Other Man: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: WHAT??
Other Man: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes just now! (Pause...) Oh Come on! (Pause...) Oh this is... (Pause...) This is ridiculous!
Other Man: I told you... (Pause...) I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Man: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
Other Man: Thank you.
Man: (clears throat) Well...
Other Man: Well WHAT?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Other Man: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Well I just paid!
Other Man: No you didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other Man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other Man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other Man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other Man: YOU didn't!
Man: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it!
Other Man: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Man: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Other Man: No you haven't!
Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Other Man: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh, I've had enough of this.
Other Man: No you haven't.
Man: Oh, shut up.
(leaves, slamming door) (enters another room)
Man: I want to complain.
Complaining Man: You want to complain? Look at these shoes I'm wearing -- I've only had 'em three weeks and the 'eels have worn right through!
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Complaining Man: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Ohhhhh... (pain)
Complaining Man: I'm (inaudible) fine day, and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(leaves, slamming door) (enters another room)
Man: Hello, I want to...
(Man is hit on head and stops talking)
Man: Ooooooohhhh!!!
Hitting Man: No, no, no, hold your head like this, then go "Waaaa!" Try it again.
(Man is hit on head again)
Man: Uuuuuuhhhh!!
Hitting Man: Better, better, but "Waaaa waaaa." Put your hand there.
Man: No!
Hitting Man: Now...
(Yes, man is hit on head again)
Man: Waaaaaaa!
Hitting Man: Good, good, that's it!
Man: Stop hitting me!
Hitting Man: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!
Hitting Man: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Hitting Man: Well why'd you come in here then?
Man: I want to complain!
Hitting Man: Oh, no, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept!!